I don’t have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up. I screw things up, especially with people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be close, I get confused. I don’t understand all of it, but I keep pushing because I hope this thing, this universe, there’s no way that I’m the only person out there who wants something this bad, if I want it, someone else out there must too.
I don’t like how girls expect unrealistic dates and gifts. I literally want a guy that will buy me french-fries then download a movie at his laptop and hang out with me or tell me to come over and watch him play video games. I’m not really into gifts, I know some girls are. But really to be honest, I don’t expect them. It’s not that I don’t want them. It’s just that we’re still both no job yet. So we’re on a budget. Some girls are unrealistic and ridiculous. I want a genuine guy that just enjoys having me around. You can’t buy that. Everyone is so unrealistic. People see stuff online or in movies and think that’s love when it isn’t.
Of course, I know this isn’t normal. I totes understand that it is bizarre, peculiar, and a bit even creepy. But what else is a lass supposed to do?
As far as I can remember, I have been a hopeless romantic - a starry-eyed, mushy, blubbering, wistful, head-in-the-clouds romantic. I’m a huge fan of love notes, poems, and serenades. The sight of a dozen red roses makes me grin, even if the flowers are for someone else.
I read bridal magazines and watched marriage proposals on youtube for the sole reason that they bring me joy, and I am convinced that nothing is more fun than thinking about the man of my dreams. In my lifetime I’ve witnessed three proposals and even chosen to be their maid of honor.
As a romantic to the core, the fact that love hadn’t come my way was easy for me to deal with.
You see, I hadn’t dated. I don’t like the idea of going out with someone I rarely know. The reality that I hadn’t dated is a subject that I would hardly speak about. I avoided even thinking about it because it could make me sick my stomach.
And I had never been kissed. Not once, not even with a stolen smooch on the playground. And I firmly believe that’s something to cheer about.
My entire life I’ve been stereotype as masungit, snob, mataray and maldita and up until now I’ve been trying to shrug it off because I genuinely could not care less about what other people stereotype me as. But because I’ve been getting frequent comments like “Ngiti naman dyan” or “Bat ka nakasimangot?” every time (and mind you, I don’t have close relationships with the people that say these), I have to vent and speak my mind. Before I say anything else, I want it to be clear that I’m not mad at these people. I’m just frustrated. Just as frustrated you are with my face. To be honest, I’m actually quite friendly and approachable once you get to know me, given that your intentions are good of course. I enjoy a good and hearty laugh like anyone else. I mean I’m not exactly a social butterfly but I am generally nice and easy to get along with. So the next time any one of you sees me, keep in mind that I’m not angry/sad/pissed. I am just minding my own business and well just being normal.
Because for the past twenty two years of my life, I’ve been living with my Gramma. She took care of me ever since I was a child, since Mom has to work for a living in order for us to survived and Dad has to work too since I still have four siblings. Never been closed to my Dad, we never had serious conversation. It will always lead to misunderstanding and sometimes it even reached to hating each other. I grew up more of a strong person, well that’s how people think. I possessed a strong personality that even my own parents can’t even do anything about it. Yeah, I’m untamed but that doesn’t mean I disrespect them. I respect them a lot, that never I had the courage to do anything that may disappoint them or hurt them.
All my life, I’m living my life the way they want it to be. It’s not that I’m not happy about it, I am. But sometimes, the more you make them proud of you, the more they expect a lot from you. They would always make it a point to give me everything I wanted even if they know for a fact that I don’t deserved it. I don’t have the need to say things redundantly, thats how powerful my words are to them that most of the time my sisters would already hate me and almost wished that I was never their sister.
And that’s actually the main reason why I don’t have the courage to disappoint my family. Who am I to do that right? After all, they gave me a beautiful life that everyone wish to have. Albeit, not a perfect family but happy and contented way of life plus, they were the best parents every child could ever had.
I am blessed I know, God showered me plenty of halal blessings. And I’m beyond thankful. It’s just that, I’m scared, scared because what if these angels would left me, what will happen to me?
To the best Mom and Grandmother in the universe: Happy Mother’s Day! I want you two to know that, you two are the most especial woman in my heart. The way you take care of us must be heaven-sent. You guise cheer us up when we’re sad, you make us happier than we ever could be, you take care of us when we’re sick, & you always support us in everything we do. I’m not sure where you find all the patience you have in dealing with us, but for that & for many other reasons I want to say thank you Mom & Gramma. Happy Mother’s Day!
Lucky is the woman, whose first child is a daughter
— Prophet Muhammad (sawa) [al-Kafi, Vol. 2, pg. 6] (via hera7)
It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote something personal on my online diary. Not that I’m busy or anything, the real reason actually is that I am just too lazy to open my desktop. I would rather log in on instagram then share it to tumblr. Yeah, just for the sake of at least I posted something.
Anyway, these past few weeks were a bit of a roller coaster ride. I’ve been to Davao with le fambam. Attended two weddings were I was chosen to be their maid of honor. Learned the art of patience and perseverance. Attended my cousin’s graduation. Been to Samal Island to visit my long lost yet really handsome Tito. Enrolled myself in cooking. Hell yeah! Becoming productive day by day, thanks to my Tita.
Ten days before my birthday, I have no plans yet except for my sisters whose planning to celebrate it somewhere I loved to be, at the beach. Well. We’ll see.
Gotta go now people! Til next blogging.